It is with words as with sunbeams.

confident with your back to the audience.
tremelo strings begin with your gesturing wrist.
start the orchestra slow with an elegant aire,
then a circular sweep crecendoing swell.
leo slatkin, dohnanyi, previne, depaur

your arms are calling out,
they wave like a swarm of sound.
you pull the sound from scores of notes,
you step the stage and take control.

you’re conducting ver’ese in a moment of silence.
your body directs a pulse of wind.
von karajan, hampton, menuhin, levine

your arms are calling out,
they wave like a swarm of sound.
you pull the sound from scores of notes,
you step the stage and take control. 

I’m happy to be heartbroken. I’m happy we’re over. I love deleting things. I love leaving the future open ended. I love being ready for someone who will truly love me.

I’m excited to meet someone who will do yoga with me barefoot in a field. I want someone batshit crazy like me. Someone who likes talking about weird shit like soil profiles, the atmosphere, the North Atlantic Drift Current, painting the worst paintings ever and laughing the entire time. Dancing like fools around a room drinking delicious beer. Reading Craigslist Missed Connections together and writing the most romantic posts for each other to find. Exploring the world and all of its wonderful elements together. Smiling and lighthearted the entire time. 

Someone who isn’t afraid to be alone with me. Someone ready for me. 

I just woke up from a series of dreams that were quite strange. The one that really scares me goes like this:

I was getting married. I was having a surprise wedding at this bar that looked like a dramatic theater stage. I was having a lot of trouble getting ready in the back room and all of my friends were there from around the world. I couldn’t find any clothes that fit me and suddenly all of my bridesmaids disappeared into the wedding scene and I was left alone. I wanted to tell the groom that I wasn’t ready to get married because I couldn’t find my outfit or makeup and I didn’t want to get married without being ready. I was having extreme anxiety about walking down the isle in front of a lot of people. Then my dream fast forwarded past the wedding and my husband and I were having a blast on our honeymoon. We went bowling and we were about to catch a plane together to the beach when I woke up. 

I woke up feeling really scared. 

Ten decisions shape your life,
You’ll be aware of 5 about,
7 ways to go through school,
Either you’re noticed or left out,
7 ways to get ahead,
7 reasons to drop out,
When I said ‘I can see me in your eyes’,
You said ‘I can see you in my bed’,
That’s not just friendship that’s romance too,
You like music we can dance to,

Sit me down,
Shut me up,
I’ll calm down,
And I’ll get along with you,

There is a time when we all fail,
Some people take it pretty well,
Some take it all out on themselves,
Some they just take it out on friends,
Oh everybody plays the game,
And if you don’t you’re called insane,

Don’t don’t don’t don’t it’s not safe no more,
I’ve got to see you one more time,
Soon you were born,
In 1984,

Sit me down,
Shut me up,
I’ll calm down,
And I’ll get along with you,

Everybody was well dressed,
And everybody was a mess,
6 things without fail you must do,
So that your woman loves just you,
Oh all the girls played mental games,
And all the guys were dressed the same,

Why not try it all,
If you only remember it once,
Oooh ooooooh,

Sit me down,
Shut me up,
I’ll calm down,
And I’ll get along with you,

(okay one more time)